It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
