felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
