she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
