we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
