Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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