Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
