hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
