Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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