Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
