I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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