I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
