She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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