I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
