I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
how does that bad decision feel?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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