Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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