I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
