i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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