Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
