we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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