So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
