Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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