I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
