if i can run in heels then i can drive
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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