We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
