I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
