I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
