and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
