I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
