I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
