The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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