The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
