I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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