haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
