I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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