based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
