I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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