when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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