I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
