my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Are we still banned from the library?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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