I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
