Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
