so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
