3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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