Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
