my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
