Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is Oprah even human
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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