i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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