Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
