i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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