God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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