Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
