if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
