my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
