i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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