I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Alive.
So much puke
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
