I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Being responsible doesn't make memories.