I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she smelled like a LAN party
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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