Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dating After Heartbreak
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?