Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.