3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
